you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
