I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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