dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
