genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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