So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
