So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
