For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
you made out with another girl for some wings
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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