we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
