If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize