Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
The beer is more important than you right now.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Watching her eat just hurts me
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
