he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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