In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Randomize
