Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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