dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
