I haven't been this sober since birth.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
