What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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