That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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