I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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