I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
