thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
