Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
