apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
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