don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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