Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Randomize
