How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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