somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Randomize
