Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
