you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
