It's Friday. Sex?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
