I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
