Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
