someone threw a dead crab at me
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
