Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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