If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
high people should be assigned attendants
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
