In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
