She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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