Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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