You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
