Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
So many bounce houses so little time
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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