sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Randomize
