he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
