Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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