We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
