You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
People in love make me want to vomit
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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