I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
My apartment stinks of burning failure
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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