Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
