Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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