I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize