I want to make a zoo with you.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
you win again, gameday.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
