it was like his penis was on wheels.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
