I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
