im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
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