Don't make out with my wife yet
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
