Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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