I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Floor bacon is actually really good
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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