its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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