I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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