i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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