why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
