Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
