Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
