Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
he thought i was a dude.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
