You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
