What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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